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27 June 2012 @ 05:53 pm
Funny people  

Funny people

- You see, honey, with me it's primary school all over again - if I like a boy, I make fun of him. And fun for me contains killing people. In a way, what kind of self-centered bitch I would be, if I thought that some other girl was better for you than me?

A short pause, then he smiles a bit and licks my neck. That’s a bit comforting, but stressful nevertheless. People touching me is a problem; but people’s problem, not mine. The thing is that I stopped liking people who touch me after I started hitchhiking. The strangest kind were those who ask about Zodiac signs. You are so young, why do you travel alone? What is your sign? Ah, Virgo. And I am Horny. Now, look at my penis.

Most of the time it was pretty amusing, big stomachs and small penises, dangling freely, because old pervs didn’t even manage to get that up. Do you need some help with that, Sir? I can talk dirty for you, just don’t touch me.

- You see, I hate people touching me. Is it ok for you to sit like this? We can watch the pictures from this afternoon together. Just look at us, sitting at the table and eating. I hope you liked the steak. While blended it is not too good, but it is still a steak, am I right?     

Of course I am right. I am right all the time. I really like how he appreciates me being right and doesn’t argue. I remember one time when some guy put a knife to my neck asking if he is right or not. Am I right or not? Am I right, bitch? I was not sure, because I was kind of concerned, if going 170 km p/h and continuing the conversation is safe enough. Apparently, it was not, because at some point one wheel of the car went off and we started sliding in a carousel which seemed eternal. It was the first time I was right about something. It is not good to multitask.

-That is why I like blending food.  There is no multitasking in that, you just take some meat and blend it. And feed it to those you love. Three easy steps. Take, blend, feed. You see, honey, simplicity is working for us, too. There is no drama, I hate drama. Earlier, when you were all dramatic and dishonest – that was really hard for me. You didn’t even liked the food I cooked you. You remember that time, when I brought you an apple pie and some shrooms, and you took the shrooms and threw the pie to my face? That was not really nice of you. I am so happy that everything worked out so great for us.

I remember that evening just too well, even though it was two years ago. Half of a nigh I waited him coming back, he didn’t say, when he’ll be home. I didn’t particularly ask, we were not so close at that time. He came back with a girl, she looked like one of those juicy whores which most drivers were talking about so much. It was a first time, when I saw one with my own eyes.

-I am so sorry, honey, that I talk about her again. But it is really impressive, how come so skinny girl can last so long, don’t you think so? Here, take one more bite.

He didn’t answer, just licked my arm. Two years ago, I probably should not have hit him so hard.